There was this Christian song that used to be my favourite when I was little. I had almost forgotten about it until one of my housemates played the tune on a piano a few days ago. The lyric is more or less like this :
"You may not understand what you experience now, why things that has happened, happened. One thing you need to remember is that everything that God gives is good. He would never give a poisonous snake to those who asked for a bread. The temptations that you have are not beyond what you can bear. God's hands are now sewing a masterpiece. There will be a certain time later when you can see the bigger picture that shows his love."
I noticed that there is one error in the lyric, in the part of giving a poisonous snake instead of a bread, because that is not what is really written in the Scripture. But I don't think that's a major error that could change the whole content of the song.
This lyric actually contains one of my used-to-be favourite verses that I had long forgotten : I Corinthians 10 : 13 which says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Since last year, I have experienced a big temptation that has become my biggest fear until now. I don't understand why God keep giving me this problem although He knows the importance of it to me. Then I started to question him: Is he really there? Does he really love me? Why don't I feel his love? Why is he being so unfair to me? Does he actually hate me and want to throw me away? The more and more I thought about it, the more faithless I've become. I told him that I can't bear this anymore, and I started to move away from him. I have even done the unthinkable things that I might regret in the future as an action to show him my protest and I didn't really care.
When I heard this tune played in the piano, it brought some memories back. How easy it was for me to mark this song as one of my favourites at that time when nothing went wrong. How easy it was to say "Your will be done in my life" when everything went exactly as I wanted it to be. How easy it was to be faithful when I got everything I wanted. But now that I did not (or have not yet, I don't know, I hope) get what I need the most (or is it what I want?), it is very hard to apply those things I've done previously. I still can't understand why this thing happened to me. I still can't accept if this is his will. And I seriously still think that this temptation has gone over my limit that I want to give up. I did try to be a complete faithless person aka an atheist. But I couldn't as I realised that I need more faith to not believe than to believe.
Long time ago, I asked God to keep me close to him always because I knew that I am not that strong. Several times I had fell down but I managed to rise up. This time is harder. I had decided to cut off my relationship with him (not reading Bible, not attending services, stopped my ministries) and keep protesting until he gives me what I want. I didn't think that was a good idea but I was so angry and didn't want to acknowledge him anymore. But then I heard this tune on the piano! Was this his way to remind me of his faithfulness when I've lost my faith? Was this his way to show me that he knows my struggles and sorrow? Was this his way to pull me closer? Whatever it was, it has successfully made me think about how strong I am and how much I can bear. And, I'm sure there will be a way out.
